about gratitude and people

One of the dearest people in my life told me recently: “Oh, you had a harsh life. This is unfair, really.” And I replied: “I know, but you know, we have a saying back in my country: “God puts a weight on your shoulders, not too heavy, not too light, exactly how much you can carry along your life.”. Just before we were talking about the meaning of life. He was saying that lately he cannot see it, that life seems absurd and without a final goal, only the one represented by death. I sensed that he wanted to say: “Is it life worth living if we live just to die one day?”. I, then replied: “ Well, yes, life is shitty, full of ups and downs. Sometimes it seems like an endless circle of hard hills to climb, but eventually you will find yourself on the other side, enjoying a much easier path. Bad stuff won’t stop coming at us, we have to accept this. I guess there’s not only one reason for living. I believe we need to constantly update this reason of living. For example, today I woke up and got out of bed just because I had a deadline to submit, what we would call an imposed, exterior responsibility. Tomorrow I will do the same in order to please myself with home-made tart, what we would call a self imposed plan. Two days ago I might have done simply because I wasn’t ready to vanish from this world so I decided to find that reason however small or big it might be. It doesn’t matter, this is relative, you decide what has a significance over you and how big it should be. I think that this might be my solution for coping with life: gradually adjusting myself to the different circumstances and continuously finding a new reason to exist.”

And yes, my dear, I’ve been through this so many times. Life has forced me to experience misery, violence, hate, pain, loneliness, despair and so on. There were times when I feared that I won’t live another day, that I would cease to exist. There was a time when every cell in my body screamed that life is unfair, that I don’t deserve so much suffering. I was blaming the ones who I considered to be responsible for it. Then I also experienced the phase of self blaming, I was believing that I was an unwanted child, that when I was born I brought all this distress in my and their day-to-day existence. I wanted to die in order to fix it. I believed that if I disappear I would restore the equilibrium, bringing peace. Then I simply closed myself in, started reading philosophy, essays. Right then I started to believe that, indeed, life is absurd, that in order carry on the weight I need to accept this purposeless feature of life. As my favorite writer used to say: “I live because the mountains do not laugh and the worms do not sing.” I was trying to tie my existence to an abstract, absurd concept because I felt that if I have an “ikigai” that doesn’t define something palpable I wouldn’t be hurt anymore, that I will have nothing to lose, nothing to gain. It has helped me for some time. I isolated myself, I read all night and slept all day. In this way I was avoiding social contact, I was feeling so peaceful at night, forgetting about the world out there was a solution from keeping the pain away. I believed that all the suffering was exterior, that it was coming from the outside. But I was wrong. Even in my most solitary times I was either so sad, either so empty, that emptiness that tells you that something is missing from your self. I would cry for no reason, at least not an exterior one. And then I realized, the pain, the suffering, the distress is coming from inside. It is me who is producing them. True, at the beginning they were caused by an external factor but I got to live, to grow in those circumstances that it became an integrating part of my self. So even if my day was a calm one, without major events, even when something believed to be a happy moment was happening to me, I wasn’t satisfied, I was not enjoying it to the fullest. Why? Because I got used to be sad, to be in pain. When there were no external factors to create them I was inducing them with thoughts like: “I’m not good enough. I could have done it better.” In the context when I achieved what I planned to do. Everything right to the plan. I was still expecting something more even though, a priori, that was exactly what I was aiming for.

I wasn’t always like this. Again, some words from one my favorite movie: “ There are two types of sufferers in this world. Those that suffer from a lack of life and those that suffer from an overabundance of it” (Waking life). I believe to be an individual from the second category. I have that “joy of life”, I can be so enthusiastic at times, so exuberant, I’m vibrating that “ludic spirit, playfulness” of a child. So, then, I shifted to another solution: to be a part of a community, to feel integrated. I came back to love. I started to build my purpose in life, my “ikigai”, around a central reason: to help others. How? Until this day I don’t have a specific answer, but I am still searching. I have plenty of ideas, but I feel like I have so much to grow intellectually, spiritually, morally in order to decide. And it is alright not to know, to be humble and to be conscious about it because then you start searching. And one day, boom, the answer is right in front of you.

Coming back to the main topic… I want to thank all the beautiful people in my life. Lately, I came to appreciate and understand better what it means to be a person between other people. Every time, in the darkest times, there was always someone to reach to me, to give me a hand and pull me out. I am who I am not only because of my affinities, not only because of my choices, not only because of my genes, I am the sum of all the shared experiences with the people I’ve met so far. I’m bearing a part of every person that was once around me. I am so thrilled at only the thought of having known so many people, to have friends all over the world, who are coming from so many cultural backgrounds. You have enriched me in so many ways! And I do hope I did all the same for you.

Whether it is you, a person that I don’t even know, that smiles at me when I’m clumsily trying to open a push door by pulling and you help me out.

Whether it’s you, lovely lady, who once gave me a piece of rhubarb tart just to try it out, without even paying for it.

Whether it’s you, who I met during my flight to Barcelona and you started telling me about US, about lobbying, about the differences between companies’ policies and strategies. How you were so open to share your work experience and beliefs about your country, to tell me about how you climbed up the social ladder! It was as if we’ve known each other since childhood, as if I were one of your closest friends and you weren’t afraid to speak your mind in from of me.

Whether it’s you, my philosophy teacher from high school, you who handed me “Manifest: The transdisciplinarity” and who believed I have a different reasoning than the majority and that I must search to take advantage of it, to strengthen my critical and logic thinking by adding a scientific academic pursuit. I might have ended up doing something else, perhaps, architecture, perhaps medicine, perhaps journalism because I was such a dilettante, dispersing myself through so many fields.

Whether it’s you, one of my math teachers, who noticed I was blocked during a test and that I was crying out of frustration, my brain just stop working, everything was blank, I couldn’t do not even the most basic arithmetic operations. And you, you redid the test just for me. You know how much I enjoyed solving questions, finding different methods and in which distress I was finding myself when I wasn’t able to. And this is so true. I remember the times when I was in gymnasium and I was in what we call a “centre d’excellence” for mathematics. We were studying for the Nationals, we were supposed to know the course at least with one year in advance. It was so amazing to meet such brilliant and young minds over there. I was so passionate those times. When I couldn’t solve a question I would have stayed up trying to figure it out until I would have run out of resources. I would even punished myself for not being able to solve it. My relationship with “not knowing” is quite complicated. It can get maniacal forms sometimes. Back then there wasn’t such a thing as google the answer for me, choosing the easy way. At most, I would have searched in another book, with solved questions. But it was brilliant! It was so brilliant!

Whether it’s you, my best homies from high school, with whom I laughed until tears, with whom I could act like a total prankster, dumb ass, not being judged, being followed up. With whom I could go out at the middle of night just for a ride. With whom I could talk about anything and everything. With whom I could share my last cookie and copy the homework. With whom I am still talking and travelling around.

Whether it’s you who introduced me to meditation, with whom I was having late night talks over a cup of tea, with whom I am sharing so many awesome songs. From who I never got a bad vibe. With whom I went to a gay festival and next day we danced our 20 km way throughout Paris.

Whether it’s you, guys, with whom I missed the last bus, ending up drinking shots and dancing in a bar in Le Havre with one of the most caring soul that brought us there with his van.

Whether it is you who said I was a model of extroversion in high school and now we are models for each other, sharing thoughts, ideas, frustrations and everything that comes through our minds. To whom I had the pleasure to introduce Spain and spent the New Year’s Eve together. With whom I share the love for hiking.

You, who I’m calling Sunflower and you are calling me Hyacinth. Whether it’s you with whom I met Tom Hiddleston in the tube and we wandered around London, drinking wine in your bed before going to sleep.

Whether it’s you with whom I had the best Martini in my life, how you’ve waited at least half an hour for our drinks. You who had us over at your parents’ place and to whom I had the pleasure to cook the best eggs and bacon in the morning as you were leaving from London.

Whether it’s you who does the best Lemon Chicken Masala in the world, who’s always late, who has crazy dance moves and with whom I can have a blast of a laugh every time, no matter how awful my day was.

With you who came that night over at my place to sleep with me, to calm me down, making sure that the next I will make my luggage and leave for Lille. After only 3h of sleep you managed to push myself to do my luggage in 15 mins, dress up and not to forget to put some sunglasses on.

Whether it’s you with whom I’m watching Suits and recently showed me that I need to cut the crap and start pulling myself together in other ways.

Whether it’s you with whom I can share my love for old movies and who promised me some apfelstrudel.

Whether it’s you who stopped me from packing all my stuff and leaving all behind, calming me down, who put me in connection with a wonderful woman who gave me the best advice when I needed it the most. You who understands the whims of a woman, who takes care of me when I’m ill with your babushka methods.

Whether it’s you with whom I share the love for philosophy, with whom I’ve been to so many festivals, with whom I share the burden of an unsuccessful parents’ marriage. With whom I can an Euro trip in our small town and pretend the world is ours, that we can have fun with less.

Whether it’s you with whom I’m sharing my love for aesthetics and hipsterish stuff. With whom I love to go to antiques shops and laugh at how kitschy some people might be. Who adores pinterest and alpacas as much as I do.

Whether it’s you, you who were drinking mulled wine after school in the park with me, freezing our asses off. You who loves raccoons as much as I do. You who invited me to eat cherries that summerish day.

Whether it’s my rugby team from highschool. Who taught me what a real team means, that we can be more than mates, a family indeed. My buddies with whom we were singing “See you again” in the bus on our way to the Nationals.

Whether it’s you, my jiu jitsu master with your washing machine, that taught me what patience, coordination and progress means in a martial art.

Whether it’s you, my first love, who taught me that I cannot love like Werther, that idealized loved can’t be handled by everyone.

Whether it’s you, my classmates in university. You who are so cool and easy going. You who helped me without asking something in return, taking from your time freely. And especially you, you that my flower bears your name, who are such a loving and caring heart. Who is making my days better at school, with whom I can laugh and look at cute animals. Who share my love for classical music.

Whether it’s you, who were keeping an eye on me, looking at my window every morning to check if I had my light on, whether I was sleeping or not. Who pushed me to take action that day.

Whether it’s you my letter buddy, that showed me what being active, productive and passionate about your field means. You who are responsible badass. You who I discovered so much through our letters and so much more when seeing you for real.

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