Governor Saves Texas With Cooking Tips

Asks Texans to take responsibility for energy f**kups

AFTER A CATASTROPHIC WINTER during which millions of Texans lost power and water due to a failure of the state’s power grid, Governor Greg Abbott asked Texans to cook outdoors to conserve energy. “We built the most sophisticated energy infrastructure on Texas borders that can be found anywhere in the world,” Abbott announced from the Governor’s mansion. “It’s not our fault if people make unreasonable demands on a system that never anticipated your waste and excess.”

Both the Governor and Electric Reliability Council of Texas (ERCOT) suggested that Texans raise the temperature of their homes, cook outdoors, stop watching television, and using their computers in order to “make sure those who need the power can get it.” Abbott added, “It’s you people who f**d up the grid with your lavish consumption washing diapers, and heating water for your baths. How can we expect our casinos, houses of worship, and essential businesses like strip clubs and bars to serve Texans when you’re hogging all the power to yourselves?”

ERCOT administrator DI Pschiit jointed the Governor at the advisory press conference, held in an air-conditioned room with extra refrigerators to chill the beer and wine for the open bar. Pschiit explained to reporters that “a dozen houses preparing food for their families consume as much energy as one spotlight in a strip club. How can our economy prosper if our businesses can’t provide essential services?”

Pschiit suggested that ERCOT could power a brand new office park with the energy families waste washing clothes, cooking food and heating their homes in winter. “It’s ridiculous the amount of money Texans waste on frivolities. Did you know I couldn’t hold a four-hundred dollar a plate fund raiser in my back yard with cooling towers, lights, mosquito zappers and non-stop live…

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