When Is the Best Time to Share Your Relationship Needs?

How a wave pool can help you decide

I published Wondering About the Key to Healthy Relationships? last month and got an interesting and important comment back that is the motivation for this article. The previous article discusses why you should share your needs if you want your relationship to be healthy. This one is about when to talk about those needs.

The linked article talks about sharing your needs with those with whom you are in relationship. The advice holds true for all relationships — not just romantic ones. It introduces the idea of core needs, and how vital those are for feeling loved, secure, and connected. Core needs are subjective and unique to you. Please give that piece a look if you want to know more.

The reader responded with two points; that she tries to pay attention to what her partner needs in the relationship; but that she has a tough time asking for what she needs. I imagine both things are common. I responded that as difficult as it might be, some needs are too important to leave to either my “attentiveness,” or to chance.

Her follow up agreeing with me (in general) also showed that I had misunderstood (the specifics). She had no real qualms relaying her needs — except in the immediacy of situations when they were going unmet. At such times, she has always felt reluctant to speak up.

Like many, she preferred a partner attentive and caring enough to sense her needs and meet them. I’m sure this desire (an all-attentive partner) is common. Don’t we all wish to have partners who are so attuned we hardly need to raise an eyebrow, or make a peep, and they just… know?

Obviously, this isn’t always how things play out in real-world relationships. Expectations go unmet. Needs go unfulfilled. Resentments and frustrations can arise. Is there any practical thing we can do to reduce the occasions for these unwanted outcomes?

There is.

We can think of relationships like a wave pool. A wave pool is stable. It doesn’t move. Wave pools…

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